ATTENTION: SOME CRAZY CREEPS ON AN ISLAND
SOMEWHERE ARE SECRETLY RUNNING THE WORLD
Quimby's Dirty Pool
Mayor Quimby has been seen consorting with known associates of Fat Tony in what sources describe as a "dirty pool" arrangement at the Springfield Country Club. My informant, who wishes to remain anonymous, has provided me with photographic evidence that will SHOCK you...
Posted: 11/14/1998Muck Level: ★★★★★
Bagels
WHO is buying all the bagels at the Springfield Deli? And WHY does the Stonecutters' inner circle always meet on Tuesday mornings? I have connected the dots and the picture is not pretty. Follow the cream cheese and you will find the truth.
Posted: 11/09/1998Muck Level: ★★★☆☆
They Control The Weather
Last Tuesday it rained. Last Thursday it also rained. Coincidence? I THINK NOT. The Springfield Meteorological Society has been LYING to us about the 5-day forecast since 1987. WAKE UP, PEOPLE.
Posted: 11/01/1998Muck Level: ★★★★☆
QUIMBY'S DIRTY POOL — FULL REPORT

It all started when I noticed Mayor Quimby's limousine parked outside the Springfield Country Club for the 14th consecutive Tuesday. My surveillance photos (developed in secret) show him entering with a briefcase.

The briefcase, my sources confirm, contained not official city documents, but rather an elaborate scheme to divert public funds into a private pool renovation. A DIRTY POOL. Literally and figuratively.

I have sent copies of my findings to the Springfield Shopper, the FBI, and my cousin Gerald. So far, only Gerald has responded. He says "cool."

THE INVESTIGATION CONTINUES.

THE BAGEL CONSPIRACY — DOCUMENTED

Every Tuesday at 7:43 AM, a black sedan parks outside the Springfield Deli. Two men in suits purchase exactly 13 bagels — sesame seed, plain, everything — in that specific order. Always. Every week.

I have been tracking this for 7 months. The number 13. The Stonecutters. The toppings. They all mean something. I just haven't figured out what yet, but I am CLOSE.

If I disappear, check the deli. Tell them Mr. X sent you. They'll know what that means.

WHO IS MR. X?

Mr. X is a dedicated citizen journalist operating out of an undisclosed location in Springfield. My identity must remain secret for obvious reasons.

I have been raking muck since 1993. Before that I was in accounting, but the numbers I discovered in certain ledgers changed everything.

I do not accept advertising. I do not accept bribes. I DO accept tips — anonymously, of course. Drop a note under the third park bench from the left in Evergreen Terrace.

The truth will set you free. But first, it will make you very, very paranoid.

SEND A TIP — ANONYMOUSLY


ARCHIVES — 1997-1998

NOV 1998 — Quimby's Dirty Pool | Bagels | Weather Control
OCT 1998 — The 7-Eleven Conspiracy | Who Really Owns Channel 6?
SEP 1998 — Fluoride: A Love Story | Sprinkler Timing Anomalies
AUG 1998 — The Krusty Burger Meat Question (Part 3 of 7)
JUL 1998 — Independence Day: What Are They Hiding?
JUN 1998 — Lemon Tree: Still Missing, Still Suspicious
MAY 1998 — Tire Fire: Who Benefits?
APR 1998 — Springfield Shopper Word Count Anomalies
MAR 1998 — The Monorail: I Was Right All Along
FEB 1998 — Valentine's Day and the Greeting Card Industry
JAN 1998 — New Year's Resolutions: A Cover Story
DEC 1997 — Santa: More Questions Than Answers